John Zerzan found with cache of sex robots

Agent Reid Ross holding a press conference about John Zerzan's sex robots

By Agent Reid Ross
(image: Agent Reid Ross holding a press conference about John Zerzan's sex robots)

BREAKING! Alexander Reid Ross might have just made the biggest scoop of his career. Early this morning, Agent Reid Ross and fellow travelers received word that a one, Mr. John Zerzan had a large cache of sex robots stashed in his second cabin.

When questioned about the large quantity of sex robots, Zerzan stated that he is training them to “go chop some wood boy!” and then winked at the live streamers. Zerzan went on to say that he was using them to figure out the origins of language and return to monke before firmly stating to Agent Reid Ross, to direct further questions to his lawyer, a one Mr. Bob Black. An accountability process has been setup and anarchist justice will surely be dealt out accordingly.

These are ongoing developments and we will keep you updated here.

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After further research it appears that John Zerzan was keeping the robots for Kevin Tucker. Upon pressing on Zerzan’s story, there were many inconsistencies. It appears he had no knowledge of what their intended purpose was, nor knew how they operated. At the time of our visit, there was great horned owl at the top of the cabin, which gave us a clue. We stuck around for a while, waiting in a white van parked in front of the property, looking through binoculars while eating donuts. After a while, we saw Kevin Tucker approach the cabin, walking while texting on his phone. We then saw him pull out another smartphone from his pocket with which he activated the sex robots. After that we saw things that we would have previously described as William Gillis’ fantasy, but we’ll now know as Kevin Tucker’s reality...

He is now sitting on my porch, that fine young lad, i've been grooming him since adolescence. We are now in contact with Elan Musk about converting neurotransmitters to binary. The final stage of our operation is complete: we shall be water boarding John Zerzan, those little primitivist Elves shall be running our meat factories in no time.

In a later interview, Zerzan confessed he was "just doing some personal research" on the effects of technology on human relationships and loneliness. Although the second cabin is relatively secluded, neighbors became suspicious when Zerzan took the sex robots out for walks dressed in scantily clad animal skins which, as one neighbor noted, "no real woman would be caught dead in". It is believed one of the neighbors tipped off Alexander Reid Ross.. There is also speculation on social media that one of the sex robots may have been underage. But so far, the authorities have not become involved.

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