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anon (not verified)
On needing something like that, vaguely

My first psychotic episode (hallucinations, dellusions) was when I was living and working with other anarchists. I was eventually made to go to the ER by my anarchist friends. There, I was tranquilized enough get a night's sleep, then promptly kicked out of the hospital in the morning.

(Weird story kind of unrelated: In the intake room, I thoroughly believed I was in one of those staged psychological tests that doctors will conduct for insight into human behavior. Have you heard of the professor who somehow convinced university students to pee themselves? He told the students they couldn't conclude the study until they wet themselves. He timed them- how long until they did it. Anyway, I was convinced that if I pissed myself in the intake room, they'd let me go. So I stood up infront of this nurse and pissed all over myself. It was some childlike, gutter punk escape plan that did not work.)

But back to my anarchist friends, they were not *not* supportive when I came to. I got sympathy and shelter. But I wasn't productive, I needed babysitting or nurturing when more pleasant, pressing, thrilling or whatever things were happening. I didn't water the garden. I got kicked out of the plasma center for smelling that bad. Wow, how little I could or chose to contribute. I left. Bless them. "BiPolAr pEoplE doNt HavE a mONopoLy On suFferiNg," Bart Simpson style.

It probably did not feel good strong arming me into the hospital. They were anarchists after all. A bit awkward. They didn't want to make me do anything against my will. But I must conclude they needed professional help when it came to my condition. We didn'thave the DIY skills or network to take care of ouselves in this manner.

I still honestly like these people , and I wonder what I could have done differently to have made it warmer. Should I have asked if they wanted me to be around directly, right away after the hospital? Did I relax into my self entitlement? (You married me right? We are anarchist friends! *irony*) I could say they were abelist property owners. I could say they needed too much of a grand fight with the world to be holding hands with my needy ass? Maybe they were just assholes. Maybe I didn't leave soon enough. Maybe I just fucking ghosted them all and it hurt? Will I ask them anytime soon? Probably not.

(By the way: bipolar folks are natorious ghosters. I learned that from forums. It felt weird to learn and also relieving in a way.)

As for that "holding hands and saying no," it reminded me of proper bdsm arrangements. It's like you agree to sub, they agree to dom. Would boundaries be sorted out? Would there be a safeword? So formal for a situation created by irrational impulses and all that. *dry*

Gonna pop a bunch of sleep aids, get some sleep, bounce back from the social anxiety writing can give me, read up on @critics pertanant suggestions, think about how rigid I am, about spectacular dichotomies, the fluidity of matter, the dynamic nature of being, the suppositions in my head, breath a bit, poke at the woodstove.

How's everyone doing? Okay, hitting submit.

Fuck you.

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