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anon (not verified)
On the ablist property

On the ablist property owners thing that I wrote: Some of the things that I think were going on during that time:

Some people really want to "make people happy." When this doesnt happpen (housemate just cant be cheered up or feel excitement for the positive stuff), resentment can manifest. Soon enough, the depressed person just becomes a super annoying point of impotence or power ... something like that. It's a codependency thing, imo. I'm pretty good at verbally confirming what's good, but I would obviously be much changed from the chipper, enthusiastic person they were excited to let in.

Also, I would have gotten people's hope up about what work I would put out. All those winter talks about the spring garden are worse than no verbalized plans at all. Which I get, it's asking for an eye-roll in the future. This is something I do understand. "Do it. Make it happen. Follow through on what you say you're going to do. Don't waste my time future-faking anything." 100% and I don't talk about what I *want* to do anymore, because I've been humbled by my depressions and (this just came to me) it's kind of rude to ask people to act like they believe me. Kind of an emotional labor thing.

Also, my trigger is getting called lazy. My chilhood was full of derogatory character assessments like this, and it's an insecure thing I've got. (I was actually a high-achiever in my youth, but family knows where to stick the knife). So, back to adulthood) I would get resentful and find the irony in all the talk of inclusivity, solidarity, property is theft and all that. It doesn't go anywhere because they could also play this game. They'd lived and worked the land longer (whoa now) and association was voluntary, they wanted what they wanted. I wasn't happy. Moving on. I was happy to leave where I wasn't wanted, but I got my hopes up too. I'm sensitive and I did honestly care deeply about these people. Was this story interesting or helpful? Me me me me me. :-)

I'm just throwing this out there. Have you seen the movie The Beach? Leonardo DiCaprio stars in it. If so, remember that scene where on of the commune members gits bitten by shark. He didnt immediately die and kept yelling and moaning in pain for a long time. The other people couldn't stand the wailing and the emotions of watching him slowly die, so they dragged him to a far away spot on the isand to die alone. This topic has me think of it (when I am not feeling generous.)

Another reference is the essay "I want friends not community" which cuts both ways for me. Calling me a lazy burden feels like "community" but so does my "pRoPerTy is TheFt" attitude.

I know I didnt reapond to what you wrote about (drives). That does interest me, but I'm goingbto take a break.

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