Anti-authoritarians gnashed their teeth in frustration Monday, as apex Kaiju Godzilla and primeval ape King Kong both announced their intentions to campaign with the Democrats, bringing an abrubt end to a long but fruitless campaign to recruit the legendary monsters into the North American anarchist milieu.

Inside AnarchistNews headquarters, heads hung in hands. "We tried everything," an unidentified member of thecollective said, dejected. "Food Not Bombs brought in a whole truckload of bananas for Kong when we did the insurrecto meet-and-greet, and he finished not just the bananas but ate part of the truck too. I thought he was vibing on the whole "Fire to Prisons" thing, given his experience chained up for capitalists, but even then he was starting to talk about working within the system to ensure the equal rights of all over-sized beasts."

Meanwhile, in Manhattan, Mayor Eric Adams broke ground on a planned 1 million gallon hot tub zoned exclusively for use by Godzilla, in an apparent concession to the 108m (354 ft) reptile. Scientist and Godzilla watcher Ishirō Serizawa said the black flag contigent had missed the forest for the trees: "Ultimately, the anarchists offers for online praise and consistent support for destructive action paled in comparison to the advantages of joining the democrats to seal the deal on his sauna carve-out. A lot of people in the nihilist/deep green side of things were surprised, but it was more that they had built up a narrative around Godzilla in their own minds. He was never going to be everthing to everybody. Godzilla sees himself in more of an Elder Statesman role, like Obama."

From a platform overlooking the Hudson River, Kong and Godzilla were joined onstage by Kamala Harris and Bernie Sanders in a show of unity ahead of the face-off with Republicans in November. Trump quickly jumped to Twitter to downplay the pick-up for his rivals--"I always preferred Alf," Trump quipped. Speaker of the House Mike Johnson was equally cutting: "The Democrats had some small news today, no one paid much attention. Just another sign of panic setting in when he takes endorsements from cop-killing monsters like the illegal ape and Japan Lizard."

A CrimeThinc-piece., while maintaining that whoever they vote for, we'd still be ungovernable, did find a silver lining to the fiasco: "One is almost tempted to imagine a grand environmental coalition of Godzilla worshipers, PETA activists, jaded socialists, banana importers, squatter kids, anarchists, and self-righteous liberals, all working together to push Biden/Harris to the left on renewables and the clean water movement."

Comments

alex (not verified) Mon, 04/01/2024 - 07:31

in light of this heartbreaking development i think anarchists should immediately move to establish a colony in godzilla's former ocean home, so we can become the new godzilla

crow (not verified) Mon, 04/01/2024 - 08:33

what did we expect from GODzilla & KING Kong? Words have meaning, people!

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