
From Debate Me Bro
Can you share a bit more about yourself, as well as your zine Field Notes From A Colder Time?
Hi! I'm Lazarus Halliwell, they/them/any, and I'm 28, and I live in Southeast WI, just off the coast of Lake Michigan. I'm polyamorous, demiaroace, transmasc, plural, multiply disabled, and queer AF. I survived a stroke when I was a baby and about a hundred other things, and the resulting neurological damage left me Mad, but with a finely honed gut instinct. I've been an unorthodox, deeply spiritual multidisciplinary artist, poet, seer of visions, and musician for most of my life. Field Notes is about revisiting a twisted queerplatonic relationship I was in for the better part of three years with a person who deified me from all angles and to give myself closure since I knew I would never get it from them. I wrote most of it in an intense flow state in about a week, I do my best writing that way.
Field Notes deals with a lot of intense emotions and synaesthetic experiences; what was it like writing so vulnerably? How has that compared to your community organizing experiences?
It was an intense spiritual experience. It was like something otherworldly took hold of me. I was there but I wasn't for most of the writing process, and to be entirely honest with you, it felt like the creative equivalent of a seizure, migraine episode, or some other neurological event. Most of my deepest work when I write follows the same pattern, it has distinct “warning signs” of sorts before the onset, where the lines from several poems begin to form, and then I'm in the grips of it and I have to write. Field Notes was no different. I was deep in a flow state for about a week, and before I knew it, I had Field Notes in hand after writing like a madman. I've heard processes like mine described by people as either a compulsion, or in the spiritual community as channeling, but I'm not quite sure if my experience fits neatly into either category. All I know is that I do my best work in the throes of a mental space like the one I described.
I would have to say community organizing is similar, occasionally I simply know I have to get involved in something, it hits me like a bolt of lightning and I'll throw every ounce of energy I have at that thing in any way I can. I go with my gut and my intuition on most everything, and it's never led me astray so far.
Probably “rehoboth”. This poem is a vision that hasn't come true yet, or perhaps a daydream, that takes place in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware. The poem is me admitting to myself and the person I was with, who is also a very talented musician, how badly everything hurt without them and how lonely I really feel. That poem is really the heart of the matter and the heart of the zine, the image of them, possibly real, at some future point, leaving me alone (or finding me) on a beach in Delaware in a white dress, or perhaps it will only ever occur in my daydreams.
What is your favorite line from this zine, and why?
Oh, gods. “ribbon-torn, out of time” in “samson”. All those double meanings in that one line alone just eviscerate me. The images of both a ribbon being ripped in half and something being torn to ribbons as well as something running out of time and being outside of time hurts so good to me. All of those interpretations are valid in the context of the piece and the zine as a whole.
How do you view the intersection of anarchy, zine culture, and poetry? How has creating poetry zines shaped your anarchist practice?
I think they're essential to each other, frankly. Poetry, anarchy, and zine culture are different facets of the language and culture of protest against fascism, and that's essential to building better systems that actually care for the people within them. They build on each other and reinforce each other, especially when zines, poetry, and anarchist works are freely available to read, available on a donation basis, or are able to be checked out at libraries (which are absolutely essential to an anarchist society, in my opinion). When people are able to teach each other, become educated, and speak out, they are a powerful people. Poetry and art are a necessary cornerstone of that. Without art, what are we even fighting for?
Creating zines and becoming involved in the zinester community has helped me find both a greater sense of community and more meaning in my life than I ever have before. I identify strongly as a cripple punk, and I have discovered other amazing disabled creators through making zines that I wouldn't have before. I'm getting out of the house more to perform my work and help with local poetry workshops and things like that alongside my spouse, Anthony, who is also a fantastic poet and performer, much of the time.
Do you do community organizing outside of your poetry? What is that like?
I am pretty physically disabled, so unfortunately I cannot leave the house as much as I would like to. So much of my community organizing is virtual and local where I have the energy. Lately I've been trying to do better about doing what I consider the most anarchist thing of all - meeting my neighbors and trying to make more friends in my neighborhood. They're really cool! I come from Texas originally, and where I'm from, your neighbors don't really drop by unless they're trying to sell you something, snoop, or preach to you, so the culture shock of people dropping by out of genuine kindness took me YEARS to get over, if I'm being completely honest with you!! Anthony will often make food for people close by and vice versa, so we are always swapping food with kind people two, three houses down and there are often leftovers from the lady downstairs, et cetera.
I've also been trying to get out to local free events more, simply to try and get out and be social and make friends and get over my agoraphobia. As a result, I get invited to more events and get involved in more networks of care. It's lovely in a way I didn't expect. People truly care for each other here.
I've been speaking out more about my queerness, Madness, and politics after a couple of incidents where a bunch of transphobes outed me online, as well. It's actually been gaining me followers instead of losing them, which is odd considering today's political climate, one would think. But hey, if it works, it works, and I'm building community by sharing memes!
Show up to something you think is cool or interesting, even if you're terrified out of your wits. It doesn't have to cost a lot of money, it can even be free. Don't be afraid to speak out and ask questions, the right people will find you with the answers. Care for yourself and care for others. Self care is community care. Finally, go forth and make art, the world needs your voice!
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